*picks up football, is surprised to discover it’s actually a soccer ball*
When the bassist from The The called me and asked in an anxious panic why The The of all bands was being used as a cheap prop for the traditional opening remarks of the most recent DAFH volume, I calmly explained that he was mistaken and that the band that Bad Teeth was referring to, while indeed British, was “The The”, a name which looks identical in print but is in effect the same two words in reverse order. This explanation motivated Simon Le Bon to also call me as he wanted be reassured that the same rule applied to Duran Duran since he was convinced that there was a band floating around using a similar reverse-order band name. “No.” I firmly explained. “Your version of the name ‘Duran Duran’ is the EXACT band that we intend to make fun of both in the opening remarks AND a future volume of the DAFH – have you already forgotten that you’re responsible for “Ordinary World”?” Le Bon hung up on me at the point, but not before reminding me that he married an 80′s-era supermodel…
(1) Sexy and I Know it – LMFAO
…when he opened the fifth seal, I saw under the altar the souls of those who had been slain because of the word of God and the testimony they had maintained. They called out in a loud voice, “How long, Sovereign Lord, holy and true, until you judge the inhabitants of the earth and avenge our blood?”
“Not long” answered God. ” I mean, have you seen how many views LMFAO’s “Sexy and I Know it” has on YouTube? It’s more than Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” speech for God’s, oops, I mean my sake! Looks like a whoooole lot of motherfuckers out there are about to get judged. Just sayin’…”
-Book of Revelation, New Testament
(2) Motivation – Kelly Rowland featuring Lil’ Wayne
While perhaps not immediately obvious to the casual listener, I have it on good academic authority that this song is was intended as a modern re-telling of Flaubert’s influential 19th century novel, Sentimental Education . Consider the following: when Rowland opines, “Oh lover, don’t you dare slow down/Go longer, you can last more rounds” she’s clearly echoing (protagonist) Frédéric’s inner-conflict between his deep-seated cynicism towards the upper class and his romantic feelings for Mme Arnoux, a full-fledged member of the Parisian elite. A similar parallel can be found in Lil Wayne’s mid-song rap interlude – “But hold up wait, new position/I put her on my plate then I do the dishes”. Literary critics knowledgeable in this field of study agree that the above lyric is a thinly veiled reference to The People’s changing allegiance from imperial rule to a République based ideology. Lastly, we can claim without hesitation that the song is directly influenced by the French classic as there is simply no mistaking Rowland’s invocation to “make me rain” as a homage to the powerful symbolism attributed to Mme. Arnoux’s parasol, a seemingly innocuous object that upon closer inspection comes to represent love, politics, social strata, and a man’s search for himself in a post-Enlightenment Age Europe.
Oh, who am I kidding. It’s about fucking. Happy now?
(3) Better Together – Jack Johnson
Unlike my co-blogger, I find it quite inspiring that a man in a coma can still make hit records (or records at all, for that matter). The poor guy. For shame, Bad Teeth. For shame…
(4) Stereo Hearts – Gym Class Heroes featuring Adam Levine
Stereo Hearts has several dubious distinctions to its name: (1) it’s the first pop song in history where the rapping is actually worse than the singing and (2) it’s the first pop song in history to be improved by a version from Glee.
Yes, a bunch of overpaid actors in their twenties running around in varsity jackets pretending that they’re still in high school have more hip-hop street cred then Gym Class Heroes (whoever the fuck they are). Hell, even the line “mad “D” batteries” almost works in the Glee version (I said almost)….
(5) Warrior – Kesha (I refuse to type “Ke$ha”. REFUSE.)
I’m no expert on warrior culture, but I’m pretty sure in no point in history did they ever look like this:
Oh, wait. I just remembered that time in the mid-80’s when John McEnroe’s wife also had a shit song/video called Warrior:
Does this cycle work on the same principle as the Buddhist belief that the Dalai Lama will continue to be reincarnated over and over again until the end of time? And if so, can we somehow blame the Dalai Lama for this nonsense? Look, I’m just asking…
(6) Believe – Cher
Verbatim from “Believe”‘s Wikipedia entry:
After the massive success of the song, use of Auto-Tune became very popular and many other artists imitated this technique, and it would eventually become known as the “Cher effect”.
Wait a minute. So, Cher is responsible for the past fifteen or so years of nerve-grating, shit pop songs? Say, does anyone know what the statute of limitations is on trying someone in the Hague for crimes against humanity? Again, just asking…
(7) Every Morning – Sugar Ray
Even if Sugar Ray weren’t fronted by a guy perennially dressed in a wifebeater, I’d still have nothing but the strongest contempt for “Every Morning”. To be truthful, this is the first time I’d ever heard the song in its entirety as I could never get past the first stanza:
Every morning there’s a halo hangin’
from the corner of my girlfriend’s four post bed
I know it’s not mine but I’ll see if I can use it for
the weekend or a one-night stand
What made less sense there? Was it:
A. The hangin’ halo.
B. The mention of a singular “corner” – Euclidian geometry teaches us that a corner is a point where two lines meet or intersect. So which corner are we talking about here?
C. Use what? The halo? Alright, we’re back to “A” then.
Ok, you know what? I’m done here. Now shut the door baby, don’t say a word…
(8) What’s Up? – 4 Non Blondes
Oh, not a lot. Same old same old, you know how it goes. Say, what’s up with you by the way? Like, what is with that cringeworthy hat? Seriously, I know it’s the early nineties and all but c’mon…
Also, super bad call on the whole number-preceding-the-words naming convention. As a rule, I know a band are fuck-all terrible whenever they engage in this practice (see: 3 Doors Down, 5ive, 2 Live Crew, 9 Stray Pubes. Fine, I made that last one up.) and avoid them at all costs. 4 Sure…
(9) Diamonds – Rihanna
Rihanna is so prolific that I’m starting to wonder if if the pop star is more a creation a la Apple’s “Siri” than an actual performer. It’s as though a team of producers captured a minute or so of her real singing voice at some point and have been manipulating that file into full-blown pop songs for years now. FACT: she’s released 827 singles in the last five years alone (rough estimate). ANOTHER FACT: every one of those singles sound like extended versions of the “ella ella ay ay ay” part of “Umbrella”.
Coincidence? Conspiracy? I’ll let you be the judge…
(DISCLAIMER FOR RIHANNA’S EYES ONLY: the above represents a satirical take on the absurdly ubiquitous and highly repetitive nature of your songs. The thoughts expressed in no way represent the personal fulfillment I receive singing “What’s my Name?” in the shower as often and as loud as possible. Regards, Good Teeth.)
(10) November Rain – Guns ‘n Roses
THE SCENE: An L.A. recording studio circa 1992.
Axl: Slash man, I just got back from the future and I think I found what’s missing in “November Rain”.
Slash: Yeah, what’s that?
Axl: Drunken drumming! I heard it on something called a “blog”, you know, when I was in the future and all – anyway, it fits the song perfectly, can we give it a shot?
Slash: Sure, why not?
Axl: Also, seeing how much I really like this “blog” from the future, I was wondering if we could call our forthcoming yet-un-named two-record set, “The Double Album From Hell?”
Slash: Ummmmm….I was thinking “Use Your Illusion Parts I and II”
Axl: Oh. Ok. Yeah, I guess that works too…
When the bassist from The The asked me if The The would be featuring on this volume of DAFH, I assured him that nothing in the The The back-catalogue could possibly warrant inclusion, a) because I’ve never actually heard a The The song, and b) I’m providing the US tracks on this one, and The The are a British band. Anyway, about a week later, the percussionist from Was Not Was phoned up to check if any of their music was likely to feature in an upcoming release. I told him that Was Not Was was not part of any of our plans at this stage, but that that was not necessarily a guarantee that Was Not Was would not make a future volume of this franchise. I also mentioned that there’s a tribute act of their band doing the rounds going by the name of Was Not Was Not Was. AND THAT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IS A TRUE FACT.
(1) Pour Some Sugar On Me – Def Leppard
I don’t know about you, but I don’t think Joe Elliott was actually referring to actual sugar being poured all over him, like he was some kind of cake or something. In fact, I have a sneaking suspicion there might be a clever subtext at play about sex or drugs that I can’t quite latch on to due to its cunning subtlety. Either that or it’s just incomprehensible, meaningless bullshit. One of the two…
(2) The A Team – Ed Sheeran
Surprisingly, Sheeran is a mere 22 years old, which makes it somewhat staggering that he’s writing and producing work that’s already this accomplished, daytime-radio-friendly and devoid of any distinguishing features whatsoever. Just think how anonymous and dull he’ll be by his mid-thirties if he carries on like this. Ed Sheeran is the sort of artist you only really hear out the corner of your ear, and when you do you think “Ooh, that’s nice, I’ll have to make a note to seek out his…oh bugger, I think there’s something stuck to my shoe. Yeah, no, there’s definitely… looks like a bit of tissue or something. Is it worth reaching down and picking it off, or do I have a quick couple of goes at treading down on it with the other foot in order to trap it on the ground first?”. Etc.
(3) Tubthumping – Chumbawamba
God this track was EVERYWHERE back in 1997. An anthem for the much-celebrated and quintessentially British pastime of binge drinking which propelled jobbing anarcho-whatevers Chumbawamba to momentary stardom and captured the imagination of pretty much everyone across the land. Well, apart from John Prescott. It just kind of washed over him:
(4) Total Eclipse Of The Heart – Bonnie Tyler
This one feels like it goes on for AGES, despite being all of about five minutes long. In fact, I almost had a total eclipse of my eyelids when it got to this track on my first run-through. Mind you, that was at about ten past midnight on a weekday, so I don’t think the blame lies with Tyler all that much. Good use of “explosions”, though. Very 80s. You don’t get that sort of shit on records anymore. Or people calling records “records”, for that matter.
(5) Live While We’re Young – One Direction
What I hate most about this track isn’t so much that it’s by One Direction, who are obviously shit. No, my beef with this song lies with the opening few seconds, in which an overzealous session guitarist thinks they’re being really clever by throwing in a kind of tuneless homage to the start of The Clash’s “Should I Stay Or Should I Go?”. It’s not that I even particularly care much about The Clash, either. I’m just bothered that this goon was trying to score a few points and show off like he/she was some kind of proper muso/frustrated punk, as opposed to a jobbing strummer (so to speak) providing bland backing to a terrible boyband record. Plus it’s entirely wasted anyway. No-one’s gonna get the reference. Well, OK, I did, but I’m listening to it a) for free, and b) as an ironic pisstake, so really there’s only One Direction I’m planning on going from here – and that’s towards track si….oh fuck, it’s Muse…
(6) Supremacy – Muse
So-called, I suppose, because anyone who listens to this instantly feels an air of supremacy stemming from having not written or performed the song “Supremacy”. Or from realising that Queen did this sort of thing tongue-in-cheek with a degree of self-awareness and showmanship that almost gives them a bye when it comes to DAFH-style shit-trackery. I say almost…
(7) Invisible Touch – Genesis
It says something for Phil Collins’ diction/my hearing that until I looked up the lyrics to this song just now, I had quite happily gone through life assuming that the line “she seems to have an invisible touch yeah” was “she seems to have a physical attraction” without ever questioning whether it made sense or not (or indeed knowing the title of the track, which might also have helped). So yeah, thanks to DAFH, I’m now re-learning shit songs from the ground up.
(8) 2 Become 1 – Spice Girls
Mathematically speaking, I’d prefer if 2 Become 1 became zero. Actually, going by Spice Girl-logic, when the couple breaks up, does 1 Become 2? There’s something philosophical for you to ponder…
(9) Bicycle – Queen
Yeah, so you know I said earlier about Queen and showmanship, awareness, yadda, yadda, yadda? Well, taking all that into mitigation, they’re still shit. Sorry, but it’s obvious. I know some of us pretended to like them after Wayne’s World for a bit, but seriously, were they EVER more than local radio filler? Can you honestly name me ONE decent Queen song? Can you?
See? You can’t, can you? BECAUSE THEY’RE SHIT.
That said, however, I wouldn’t have guessed this song as being the first of theirs to make it into DAFH. And that it would take all of five volumes to get here…
(10) If You Leave – OMD
Quite catchy, this one, in all honesty. It’s obviously still massively shit and everyt….actually, you know what? Fuck it. We spend far too much time on this thing sniping and picking holes in people’s music and, you know, to be fair to OMD, they’ve given it a bloody good go over the last few decades. Granted this track’s not the best thing anyone’s ever done, but who gives a shit? So come on. Let’s all have a singsong for the lads from OMD. I want to see EVERYONE’S hands in the air for this one! Come on! *claps hands*. Sing with me, come on!
ah wohn leck go ad enny prarse,
ah nidyu narw lag ah nidyu then,
ya alwers said we’d still be frens…”
Come on, people, keep the momentum going! Let’s do this! C’mon! C’mon! *clap! clap!*
ah wohn leck go ad enny prarse,
ah nidyu narw lag ah nidyu then,
ya alwers said we’d meed er-gehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhn… zumday”
“Ho-woah-ho, ho-woah-ho, ho-woah-ho, ho-woah-ho!
(If you leave…)
Ho-woah-ho, ho-woah-ho, ho-woah-ho, ho-woah-ho!
(don lurg behhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhck!)
Ho-woah-ho, ho-woah-ho, ho-woah-ho, ho-woah-ho…”
Wow. That was exhilarating. I didn’t know you were allowed to sing along to the tracks on this thing. Anyway, that’s me finished…*kicks the football lamely somewhere near Good Teeth’s feet*.
Bad Teeth, remember when an available-in-Japan-only Morrissey album cover tripped you up a while back when the title showed up on Mrs. BT’s eyeliner? Well, I’m afraid we have a similar situation at play here…
I’d say it’s pretty much safe to assume at this point that all nonsensical sentence fragments you come across in life, regardless of the source, originate from the Moz. He is the Quarry, after all. No wait, I’m the Quarry. Or is it that you’re the Quarry? Oh, forget it…
It’s called “Brain, The Dumb Girl, The Car & The Ice Cream (ft. Stevie)”:
Love the emphasis on the word “car” at the end, there. Really drives the story home…
Also on offer: Our protection plan against protection plans:
Protects against any and all exposure to protection plans. Except this one. This one doesn’t count. You know what? Don’t bother. You’re probably better off using the The GBTB Warranty Overrider exclusively. And remember…
*gets on rooftop and screams at top of lungs*
DON’T FUCKING WELL GET FUCKED!!!!!! (UNLESS YOU’RE A RETAILER…OR A SELLER OF PROTECTION PLANS.)
Or – here’s an idea – why not just MAKE THE PRODUCT PROPERLY IN THE FIRST PLACE? God, I hate extended warranties. How on earth has it come to pass that we are given the option of paying extra money because an item is shit and will inevitably malfunction and break further down the line? Why is it OUR fault that manufacturers can’t be bothered to
exploit workers even more put in the effort to ensure the end product is of a serviceable state for more than a couple of months?
Well, GBTB Consumer Corner isn’t going to stand for this shit anymore – and neither will you. From now on, if a product you buy fails just outside of its initial warranty period, and the manufacturer refuses to replace it due to you not having purchased any additional cover, simply insist to speak to the manager and give them a copy of this:
The GBTB Warranty Overrider can be used on either side of the Atlantic, and, most importantly, will not affect your consumer rights (because, let’s face it, you don’t HAVE any). Upon presentation of the Overrider, retailers will be forced to issue immediate refund, or provide a working replacement of equivalent value. What’s more, it is FULLY LEGALLY BINDING, meaning compliance is mandatory regardless of whether the retailer themselves feel they are responsible or not. So don’t be a victim – print off a copy today! GBTB is in YOUR corner at ALL times, buddy, so remember:
*screams into loudhaler*
DON’T FUCKING WELL GET FUCKED!!!!!! (UNLESS YOU’RE A RETAILER).